A preacher was completing a sermon on temperance: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.  The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #36: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

* * *

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

* * *

The top surveyed names in popularity are:

10. Nasti Spumante
9. Grape Expectations
8. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
7. Peanut Noir
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. NASCARbernet
4. World Championship Riesling
3. Big Red Gulp
2. White Trashfindel

….and the number one name….

1. Chateau Traileur Parc

* * *

This drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"

* * *

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

* * *

I got a hangover. I'm stupid. I went out last night, and I started out the night shooting tequila, then for some dumb reason, I switched over to Goldschlager. Woke up this morning and pooped a Mexican coin. - Reno Collier

* * *

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn't feel like we could say anything because it was open bar. - Megan Mooney

* * *

I'm not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me, I felt like she met 'Two-Drink Mike.' It's totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. - Mike Birbiglia

* * *

It's just like the movie, 'Sideways' -- they'll drive to the vineyard, drink and drive, and there were no cops anywhere. I'm like, 'That's how you get away with it? I gotta try that in Chicago.' 'You been drinking tonight, sir?' 'No, just tasting. I got some cheese and crackers in the back.'  - Ty Barnett

* * *

I used to be a big beer drinker. If you were to ask me what's my favorite beer, I probably would have said, 'I don't know, the fifth one, I guess.' That's the one that makes me good looking and clever and even wise, and those are important qualities to have when it's noon and you're drinking alone on your couch. – Pat Dixon

* * *

This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?' – Greg Giraldo

* * *

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
‘Damn it, Adam. You’re an alcoholic.’ ‘Damn it Adam, you have lupus.” One of those doesn’t sound right.  – Mitch Hedberg